¶Face. Drugger, she's thine: the damask!—[Exit ABEL.] Subtle and IMust wrastle for her. [Aside.] Come on, Master Dapper,You see how I turn clients here away,To give your cause dispatch; ha' you perform'dThe ceremonies were enjoin'd you ?Dap. Yes, o' the vinegar,And the clean shirt.Face. 'Tis well: that shirt may do youMore worship than you think. Your aunt's a-fire,But that she will not show it, t' have a sight of you.Ha' you provided for her grace's servants ?Dap. Yes, here are six score Edward shillings.Face. Good!Dap. And an old Harry's sovereign.Face. Very good!Dap. And three James shillings, and an Elizabeth groat,Just twenty nobles. 13Face. O, you are too just.[608]I would you had had the other noble in Maries.Dap. I have some Philip and Maries.Face. Ay, those sameAre best of all: where are they? Hark, the doctor.
p. 608¶SCENE V. {The samelFACE, DAPPER. Enter SUBTLE, disguised li\e a priest of Fairy[with a strip of cloth]
¶Sub. [in a feigned voice.] Is yet her grace's cousin come?
¶Face. He is come. Sub. And is he fasting?
¶Face. Yes.
¶Sub. And hath cried hum?Face. Thrice, you must answer.Dap. Thrice.Sub. And as oft buz?Face. If you have, say.Dap. I have.Sub. Then, to her cuz,Hoping that he hath vinegar'd his senses,As he was bid, the Fairy queen dispenses,By me, this robe, the petticoat of fortune;Which that he straight put on, she doth importune.And though to fortune near be her petticoat,Yet nearer is her smock, the queen doth note:And therefore, even of that a piece she hath sent,Which, being a child, to wrap him in was rent;And prays him for a scarf he now will wear it,With as much love as then her grace did tear it,About his eyes, They blind him with the rag, to show he is fortunate.And, trusting unto her to make his state,He'll throw away all worldly pelf about him;Which that he will perform, she doth not doubt him.Face. She need not doubt him, sir. Alas, he has nothingBut what he will part withal as willingly,[609]Upon her grace's word—throw away your purse—As she would ask it:—handkerchiefs and all—She cannot bid that thing but he'll obey.—If you have a ring about you, cast it off,Or a silver seal at your wrist; her grace will send
¶He throws away, as they bid him.
¶Her fairies here to search you, therefore dealDirectly 1 with her highness: if they findThat you conceal a mite, you are undone.Dap. Truly, there's all.Face. All what?Dap. My money; truly.Face. Keep nothing that is transitory about you.[Aside to SUBTLE.] Bid Dol play music.—Look, the elves are come.
¶[Dol. plays on the cittern within.
¶To pinch you, if you tell not truth. Advise you.
¶[They pinch him.]
¶Dap. Ol I have a paper with a spur-ryal 2 in't.
¶Face. Ti, ti.
¶They knew't, they say.Sub. Ti, ti, ti, ti. He has more yet.Face. Ti, ti-ti-ti. V the other pocket?Sub. Titi, titi, titi, titi, titi.They must pinch him or he will never confess, they say.
¶[They pinch him again.
¶Dap. O, O!Face. Nay, pray you, hold: he is her grace's nephew,Ti, ti, ti? What care you ? good faith, you shall care.—Deal plainly, sir, and shame the fairies. ShowYou are innocent.Dap. By this good light, I ha' nothing.Sub. Ti, ti, ti, ti, to, ta. He does equivocate she says:Ti, ti do ti, ti ti do, ti da; and swears by the light when he is blinded.Dap. By this good dar\, I ha' nothing but a half-crownOf gold about my wrist, that my love gave me;And a leaden heart I wore sin' she forsook me.
¶'Uprightly. 2 A gold coin worth issh.[610]Face. I thought 'twas something. And would you incurYour aunt's displeasure for these trifles ? Come,I had rather you had thrown away twenty half-crowns.
¶\Ta\es it off.]
¶You may wear your leaden heart still.—
¶[Enter DOL hastily]
¶How now!Sub. What news, Dol?Dol. Yonder's your knight, Sir Mammon.Face. 'Ods lid, we never thought of him till now!Where is he?Dol. Here hard by. He's at the door.Sub. And you are not ready now! Dol, get his suit.
¶[Exit DOL.]
¶He must not be sent back.
¶Face. O, by no means.
¶What shall we do with this same puffin1 here,Now he's on the spit ?Sub. Why, lay him back awhile,With some device.
¶[Re-enter DOL with FACE'S clothes]
¶—Ti, ti, ti, ti, ti, ti, Would her grace speak with me?
¶I come.—Help, Dol! Knocking without.
¶Face, [speaks through the keyhole.]—Who's there? Sir Epicure,
¶My master's i' the way. Please you to walkThree or four turns, but till his back be turn'd,And I am for you.—Quickly, Dol!Sub. Her graceCommends her kindly to you, Master Dapper.Dap. I long to see her grace.Sub. She now is setAt dinner in her bed, and she has sent youFrom her own private trencher, a dead mouse,And a piece of gingerbread, to be merry withal,[611]And stay your stomach, lest you faint with fasting:Yet if you could hold out till she saw you, she says,It would be better for you.Face. Sir, he shallHold out, an 'twere this two hours, for her highness;I can assure you that. We will not loseAll we ha' done.Sub. He must not see, nor speakTo anybody, till then.Face. For that we'll put, sir,A stay in's mouth.Sub. Of what?Face. Of gingerbread.Make you it fit. He that hath pleas'd her graceThus far, shall not now crinkle1 for a little.Gape, sir, and let him fit you.
p. 611¶[They thrust a gag of gingerbread into his mouth.]
¶Sub. Where shall we nowBestow him?Dol. Y the privy.Sub. Come along, sir,I must now show you Fortune's privy lodgings.Face. Are they perfum'd, and his bath ready ?Sub. All:Only the fumigation's somewhat strong.
¶Face, [speaking through the keyhole.] Sir Epicure, I am yours,
¶sir, by and by. [Exeunt with DAPPER.]
Act IV
¶Face. O, sir, you're come i' the only finest time.Mam. Where's master?Face. Now preparing for projection, sir.[612]Your stuff will be all chang'd shortly.Mam. Into gold?Face. To gold and silver, sir.Mam. Silver I care not for.Face. Yes, sir, a little to give beggars.Mam. Where's the lady?Face. At hand here. I ha' told her such brave things o' youTouching your bounty and your noble spiritMam. Hast thou?Face. As she is almost in her fit to see you.But, good sir, no divinity i' your conference,For fear of putting her in rage.Mam. I warrant thee.Face. Six men [sir] will not hold her down. And then,If the old man should hear or see youMam. Fear not.Face. The very house, sir, would run mad. You know it,How scrupulous he is, and violent,'Gainst the least act of sin. Physic or mathematics,Poetry, state, 1 or bawdry, as I told you,She will endure, and never startle; butNo word of controversy.Mam. I am school'd, good ©ten.Face. And you must praise her house, remember that,And her nobility.Mam. Let me alone:No herald, no, nor antiquary, Lungs,Shall do it better. Go.Face. [Aside.] Why, this is yetA kind of modern happiness, 2 to haveDol Common for a great lady. [EMam. Now, Epicure,Heighten thyself, talk to her all in gold;Rain her as many showers as Jove did dropsUnto his Danae; show the god a miser,Compar'd with Mammon. What! the stone will do't.[613]She shall feel gold, taste gold, hear gold, sleep gold;Nay, we will concumbere gold: I will be puissant,And mighty in my talk to her.—
¶Here she comes.Face. To him, Dol, suckle him. This is the noble knightI told your ladyshipMam. Madam, with your pardon,I kiss your vesture.Dol. Sir, I were uncivilIf I would suffer that; my lip to you, sir.Mam. I hope my lord your brother be in health, lady.Dol. My lord my brother is, though I no lady, sir.Face. [Aside.] Well said, my Guinea bird.Mam. Right noble madam-Face. [Aside.] O, we shall have most fierce idolatry.Mam. 'Tis your prerogative.Dol. Rather your courtesy.Mam. Were there nought else t' enlarge your virtues to me,These answers speak your breeding and your blood.Dol. Blood we boast none, sir; a poor baron's daughter.Mam. Poor! and gat you? Profane not. Had your fatherSlept all the happy remnant of his lifeAfter that act, lien but there still, and panted,He'd done enough to make himself, his issue,And his posterity noble.Dol. Sir, althoughWe may be said to want the gilt and trappings,The dress of honour, yet we strive to keepThe seeds and the materials.Mam. I do seeThe old ingredient, virtue, was not lost,Nor the drug money us'd to make your compound.There is a strange nobility i' your eye,This lip, that chin! Methinks you do resembleOne o' the Austriac princes.[614]Face. [Aside.] Very like!Her father was an Irish costermonger.Mam. The house of Valois just had such a nose,And such a forehead yet the MediciOf Florence boast.Dol. Troth, and I have been lik'nedTo all these princes.Face. [Aside.] I'll be sworn, I heard it.Mam. I know not how! it is not any one,But e'en the very choice of all their features.Face. [Aside.] I'll in, and laugh. [Ex*Y.]Mam. A certain touch, or air,That sparkles a divinity beyondAn earthly beauty!Dol. O, you play the courtier.Mam. Good lady, gi' me leaveDol. In faith, I may not,To mock me, sir.Mam. To burn i' this sweet flame;The phoenix never knew a nobler death.Dol. Nay, now you court the courtier, and destroyWhat you would build. This art, sir, i' your words.Calls your whole faith in question.Mam. By my soulDol. Nay, oaths are made o' the same air, sir.Mam. Nature*Never bestow'd upon mortalityA more unblam'd, a more harmonious feature;She play'd the step-dame in all faces else:Sweet madam, le' me be particularDol. Particular, sir! I pray you know your distance.Mam. In no ill sense, sweet lady; but to askHow your fair graces pass the hours ? I seeYou're lodg'd here, in the house of a rare man,An excellent artist; but what's that to you?Dol. Yes, sir; I study here the mathematics,And distillation.[615]Mam. O, I cry your pardon.He's a divine instructor! can extractThe souls of all things by his art; call allThe virtues, and the miracles of the sun,Into a temperate furnace; teach dull natureWhat her own forces are. A man, the emp'rorHas courted above Kelly;1 sent his medalsAnd chains, t' invite him.Dol. Ay, and for his physic, sirMam. Above the art of iEsculapius,That drew the envy of the thunderer!I know all this, and more.Dol. Troth, I am taken, sir,Whole with these studies, that contemplate nature.Mam. It is a noble humour; but this formWas not intended to so dark a use.Had you been crooked, foul, of some coarse mould,A cloister had done well; but such a featureThat might stand up the glory of a kingdom,To live recluse! is a mere solcecism,Though in a nunnery. It must not be.I muse, my lord your brother will permit it:You should spend half my land first, were I he.Does not this diamond better on my fingerThan i' the quarry ?Dol. Yes.Mam. Why, you are like it.You were created, lady, for the light.Here, you shall wear it; take it, the first pledgeOf what I speak, to bind you to believe me.Dol. In chains of adamant?Mam. Yes, the strongest bands.And take a secret too.—Here, by your side,Doth stand this hour the happiest man in Europe.Dol. You are contented, sir ?Mam. Nay, in true being,[616]The envy of princes and the fear of states.Dol. Say you so, Sir Epicure?Mam. Yes, and thou shalt prove it,Daughter of honour. I have cast mine eyeUpon thy form, and I will rear this beautyAbove all styles.Dol. You mean no treason, sir?Mam. No, I will take away that jealousy.I am the lord of the philosopher's stone,And thou the lady.Dol. How, sir! ha' you that?Mam. I am the master of the mastery.1This day the good old wretch here o' the houseHas made it for us: now he's at projection.Think therefore thy first wish now, let me hear it;And it shall rain into thy lap, no shower,But floods of gold, whole cataracts, a deluge,To get a nation on thee.Dol. You are pleas'd, sir,To work on the ambition' of our sex.Mam. I'm pleas'd the glory of her sex should know,This nook here of the Friars is no climateFor her to live obscurely in, to learnPhysic and surgery, for the constable's wifeOf some odd hundred in Essex; but come forth,And taste the air of palaces; eat, drinkThe toils of empirics, and their boasted practice;Tincture of pearl, and coral, gold, and amber;Be seen at feasts and triumphs; have it ask'd,What miracle she is; set all the eyesOf court a-fire, like a burning glass,And work them into cinders, when the jewelsOf twenty states adorn thee, and the lightStrikes out the stars! that, when thy name is mention'd,Queens may look pale; and we but showing our love,Nero's Poppa^a may be lost in story![617]Thus will we have it.Dol. I could well consent, sir.But in a monarchy, how will this be?The prince will soon take notice, and both seizeYou and your stone, it being a wealth unfitFor any private subject.Mam. If he knew it.Dol. Yourself do boast it, sir.Mam. To thee, my life.Dol. O, but beware, sir! You may come to endThe remnant of your days in a loath'd prison,By speaking of it.Mam. 'Tis no idle fear.We'll therefore go with all, my girl, and liveIn a free state, where we will eat our mullets,Sous'd in high-country wines, sup pheasants' eggs,And have our cockles boil'd in silver shells;Our shrimps to swim again, as when they liv'd,In a rare butter made of dolphins' milk,Whose cream does look like opals; and with theseDelicate meats set ourselves high for pleasure,And take us down again, and then renewOur youth and strength with drinking the elixir,And so enjoy a perpetuityOf life and lust! And thou shalt ha' thy wardrobeRicher than nature's, still to change thyself,And vary oftener, for thy pride, than she,Or art, her wise and almost-equal servant.
¶Face. Sir, you are too loud. I hear you every wordInto the laboratory. Some fitter place;The garden, or great chamber above. How like you her?Mam. Excellent! Lungs. There's for thee.
¶[Gives him money.]
p. 618¶Mam. We think not on 'em. [Exeunt MAM. and DOL.] Fare. O, it is well, sir.—Subtle!
¶SCENE II. [The same]
FACE. [Enter] SUBTLE
¶Dost thou not laugh?Sub. Yes; are they gone?Face. All's clear.Sub. The widow is come.Face. And your quarrelling disciple?Sub. Ay.Face. I must to my captainship again then.Sub. Stay, bring 'em in first.Face. So I meant. What is she?A bonnibel ?Sub. I know not.Face. We'll draw lots:You'll stand to that?Sub. What else?Face. O, for a suit,To fall now like a curtain, flap!Sub. To th' door, man.Face. You'll ha' the first kiss, 'cause I am not ready. [Exit.]Sub. Yes, and perhaps hit you through both the nostrils.1Face, [within.] Who would you speak with?Kas. [within.] Where's the captain?
¶Face. [within.] Gone, sir,
¶About some business.Kas. [within.] Gone!Face. [within.] He'll return straight.But, master doctor, his lieutenant, is here.
¶[Enter KASTRIL, followed by Dame PLIANT]
¶Sub. Come near, my worshipful boy, my terra fili.That is, my boy of land; make thy approaches:[619]Welcome; I know thy lusts, and thy desires,And I will serve and satisfy 'em. Begin,Charge me from thence, or thence, or in this line;Here is my centre: ground thy quarrel.Kas. You lie.Sub. How, child of wrath and anger! the loud he?For what, my sudden boy ?Kas. Nay, that look you to,I am aforehand.Sub. O, this is no true grammar,And as ill logic! You must render causes, child,Your first and second intentions, know your canonsAnd your divisions, moods, degrees, and differences,Your predicaments, substance, and accident,Series extern and intern, with their causes,Efficient, material, formal, final,And ha' your elements perfect?Kas. What is this?The angry 2 tongue he talks in?Sub. That false precept,Of being aforehand, has deceiv'd a number,And made 'em enter quarrels oftentimesBefore they were aware; and afterward,Against their wills.Kas. How must I do then, sir?Sub. I cry this lady mercy; she should firstHave been saluted. Kisses her. I do call you lady,Because you are to be one ere't be long,My soft and buxom widow.Kas. Is she, i' faith?Sub. Yes, or my art is an egregious liar.Kas. How know you?Sub. By inspection on her forehead,And subtlety of her lip, which must be tastedOften to make a judgment. Kisses her again. 'Slight, she meltsLike a myrobolane. 3 Here is yet a line,[620]In rivo frontis,1 tells me he is no knight.Dame P. What is he then, sir ?Sub. Let me see your hand.O, your linea fortunes makes it plain;
p. 620¶And stella here in monte Veneris.
¶But, most of all, junctura annularis}He is a soldier, or a man of art, lady,But shall have some great honour shortly.Dame P. Brother,He's a rare man, believe me!
¶[Re-enter FACE, in his uniform]
¶Kas. Hold your peace.Here comes the t' other rare man.—'Save you, captain.Face. Good Master Kastril! Is this your sister ?Kas. Ay, sir.Please you to kiss her, and be proud to know her.Face. I shall be proud to know you, lady. [Kisses her.]Dame P. Brother,He calls me lady too.Kas. Ay, peace: I heard it. [Takes her aside.]Face. The count is come.Sub. Where is he ?Face. At the door.Sub. Why, you must entertain him.Face. What will you doWith these the while ?Sub. Why, have 'em up, and show 'emSome fustian book, or the dark glass.Face. 'Fore God,She is a delicate dabchick! I must have her. [Extf.]Sub. [Aside.] Must you! Ay, if your fortune will, you must.Come, sir, the captain will come to us presently:I'll ha' you to my chamber of demonstrations,Where I'll show you both the grammar and logic,And rhetoric of quarrelling; my whole method[621]Drawn out in tables; and my instrument,That hath the several scales upon't, shall make youAble to quarrel at a straw's-breadth by moonlight.And, lady, I'll have you look in a glass,Some half an hour, but to clear your eyesight,Against you see 6 your fortune; which is greaterThan I may judge upon the sudden, trust me. [Exeunt.]
¶[Enter] FACE
¶Face. Where are you, doctor?Sub. [within.] I'll come to you presently.Face. I will ha' this same widow, now I ha' seen her,On any composition.
¶[Enter SUBTLE]
¶Sub. What do you say?Face. Ha' you dispos'd of them ?Sub. I ha' sent 'em up.Face. Subtle, in troth, I needs must have this widow.Sub. Is that the matter?Face. Nay, but hear me.Sub. Go to.If you rebel once, Dol shall know it all:Therefore be quiet, and obey your chance.Face. Nay, thou art so violent now. Do but conceive,Thou art old, and canst not serveSub. Who cannot? I?'Slight, I will serve her with thee, for a
¶Face. Nay,
¶But understand: I'll gi' you composition. 1Sub. I will not treat with thee. What! sell my fortune?'Tis better than my birthright. Do not murmur:Win her, and carry her. If you grumble, DolKnows it directly.[622]Face. Well, sir, I am silent.Will you go help to fetch in Don in state? [Ex*?.]Sub. I follow you, sir. We must keep Face in awe,Or he will overlook us like a tyrant.
p. 622¶[Re-enter FACE, introducing] SURLY disguised as a Spaniard
¶Brain of a tailor! who comes here? Don John!
¶Sur. Senores, beso las manos a vuestras mercedes. 2
¶Sub. Stab me; I shall never hold, man.He looks in that deep ruff like a head in a platter,Serv'd in by a short cloak upon two trestles.Face. Or what do you say to a collar of brawn, 3 cut downBeneath the souse, 4 and wriggled with a knife ?Sub. 'Slud, he does look too fat to be a Spaniard.Face. Perhaps some Fleming or some Hollander got himIn d'Alva's time; Count Egmont's bastard.Sub. Don,Your scurvy, yellow, Madrid face is welcome.
¶Sur. Gratia.
¶Sur. For dios, senores, muy linda casal*
¶Sub. Yes, the casa,
¶My precious Diego, 7 will prove fair enoughTo cozen you in. Do you mark ? You shallBe cozened, Diego.Face. Cozened, do you see,My worthy Donzel, 8 cozened.
¶Sur. Entiendo?
¶Sub. Do you intend it ? So do we, dear Don.
¶Face, feels his pockets. Full.
¶Sub. You shall be emptied, Don, pumped and drawnDry, as they say.Face. Milked, in troth, sweet Don.Sub. See all the monsters; the great lion of all, Don.
¶Sur. Con licencia, se puede uer a esta senora? 11
¶Sub. What talks he now ?Face. Of the senora.Sub. O, Don,This is the lioness, which you shall seeAlso, my Don.Face. 'Slid, Subtle, how shall we do?Sub. For what?Face. Why, Dol's employ'd, you know.Sub. That's true.'Fore heaven I know not: he must stay, that's all.Face. Stay! that he must not by no means.Sub. No! why?Face. Unless you'll mar all. 'Slight, he'll suspect it;And then he will not pay, not half so well.This is a travell'd punk-master, and does knowAll the delays; a notable hot rascal,And looks already rampant.Sub. 'Sdeath, and MammonMust not be troubled.Face. Mammon! in no case.Sub. What shall we do then?Face. Think: you must be sudden. 12
¶Sur. Entiendo que la senora es tan hermosa, que codicio tan a verla, como la bien aventuranza de mi vida. 13
¶Face. Mi vida! 'Slid, Subtle, he puts me in mind o' the widow.What dost thou say to draw her to't, ha![624]And tell her 'tis her fortune? All our ventureNow lies upon't. It is but one man more,Which on's chance to have her: and beside,There is no maidenhead to be fear'd or lost.What dost thou think on't, Subtle?Sub. Who, I? whyFace. The credit of our house too is engag'd. 14Sub. You made me an offer for my share erewhile.What wilt thou gi' me, i' faith ?Face. O, by that lightI'll not buy now. You know your doom 15 to me.E'en take your lot, obey your chance, sir; win her,And wear her—out for me.Sub. 'Slight, I'll not work her then.Face. It is the common cause; therefore bethink you.Dol else must know it, as you said.Sub. I care not.
p. 624¶Sur. Senores, porque se tarda tanto? ls
¶Sur. Puede ser de hacer burla de mi amor? 11
¶Face. You hear the Don too ? by this air I call,And loose the hinges. Dol!Sub. A plague of hellFace. Will you then do?Sub. You're a terrible rogue!I'll think of this. Will you, sir, call the widow ?Face. Yes, and I'll take her too with all her faults,Now I do think on't better.Sub. With all my heart, sir;Am I discharg'd o' the lot ?Face. As you please.
¶Sub. Hands. [They shake hands.]
¶Face. Remember now, that upon any change,You never claim her.[625]Sub. Much good joy and health to you, sir,Marry a whore! Fate, let me wed a witch first.
p. 625¶Sur. Por estas honradas barbas 1"
¶Sub. He swears by his beard. Dispatch, and call the brother too. [Exit FACE.]
¶Sur. Tengo duda, senores, que no me hagan alguna traycion. 1'
¶Sub. How, issue on ? yes, prcesto, senor. Please you
¶Enthratha the chambratha, worthy don:
¶Where if you please the fates, in your bathada,You shall be soak'd, and strok'd and tubb'd and rubb'd,And scrubb'd, and fubb'd, 20 dear don, before you go.You shall in faith, my scurvy baboon don,Be curried, claw'd, and flaw'd, 21 and taw'd, 22 indeed.I will the heartlier go about it now,And make the widow a punk so much the sooner,To be reveng'd on this impetuous Face:The quickly doing of it is the grace. [Exeunt SUB. and SURLY.]
¶Face. Come, lady: I knew the doctor would not leaveTill he had found the very nick of her fortune.Kas. To be a countess, say you?[Face.] 1 A Spanish countess, sir.Dame P. Why, is that better than an English countess ?Face. Better! 'Slight, make you that a question, lady ?Kas. Nay, she is a fool, captain, you must pardon her.Face. Ask from your courtier to your inns-of-court-man,To your mere milliner; they will tell you all,Your Spanish jennet is the best horse; your SpanishStoop is the best garb; 2 your Spanish beardIs the best cut; your Spanish ruffs are the best[626]Wear; your Spanish pavin the best dance;Your Spanish titillation in a gloveThe best perfume: and for your Spanish pike,And Spanish blade, let your poor captain speak.—Here comes the doctor.
¶Sub. My most honour'd lady,For so I am now to style you, having foundBy this my scheme, 3 you are to undergoAn honourable fortune very shortly,What will you say now, if someFace. I ha' told her all, sir,And her right worshipful brother here, that she shall beA countess; do not delay 'em, sir; a Spanish countess.Sub. Still, my scarce-worshipful captain, you can keepNo secret! Well, since he has told you, madam,Do you forgive him, and I do.Kas. She shall do that, sir;I'll look to it, 'tis my charge.Sub. Well then: nought restsBut that she fit her love now to her fortune.Dame P. Truly I shall never brook a Spaniard.Sub. No?Dame P. Never sin' eighty-eight 4 could I abide 'em,And that was some three years afore I was born, in truth.Sub. Come, you must love him, or be miserable;Choose which you will.Face. By this good rush, persuade her,She will cry 5 strawberries else within this twelve month.Sub. Nay, shads and mackerel, which is worse.Face. Indeed, sir!Kas. God's lid, you shall love him, or I'll kick you.
¶Dame P. Why,
¶I'll do as you will ha' me, brother.
¶'Horoscope. 4 / . e., since 1588, the year of the "Invincible Armada."[627]Kas. Do,Or by this hand I'll maul you.Face. Nay, good sir,Be not so fierce.Sub. No, my enraged child;She will be rul'd. What, when she comes to tasteThe pleasures of a countess! to be courtedFace. And kiss'd, and ruffled!Sub. Ay, behind the hangings.Face. And then come forth in pomp!Sub. And know her state!Face. Of keeping all th' idolaters of the chamberBarer to her, than at their prayers!Sub. Is servedUpon the knee!Face. And has her pages, ushers,Footmen, and coachesSub. Her six maresFace. Nay, eight!Sub. To hurry her through London, to th' Exchange, 6Bethlem, 7 the China-houses 8Face. Yes, and haveThe citizens gape at her, and praise her tires, 9And my lord's goose-turd 10 bands, that rides with her!Kas. Most brave! By this hand, you are not my susterIf you refuse.Dame P. I will not refuse, brother.
p. 628¶Sub. En gallanta madama, Don! gallantissima!
¶Sur. Por todos los dioses, la mas acabada hermosura, que he visto en ma vida! n
¶Face. Is't not a gallant language that they speak ?Kas. An admirable language! Is't not French?Face. No, Spanish, sir.Kas. It goes like law French,And that, they say, is the court-liest language.Face. List, sir.
¶Sur. El sol ha perdido su lumbre, con el resplandor que trae esta dama! Valgame dios! 13
¶Face. H' admires your sister.Kas. Must not she make curt'sy.Sub. 'Ods will, she must go to him, man, and kiss him!It is the Spanish fashion, for the womenTo make first court.Face. 'Tis true he tells you, sir:His art knows all.
¶Sur. Porque no se acude? 1*
¶Sur. Por el amor de dios, que es esto que se tarda? 15
¶Kas. Nay, see: she will not understand him! Gull, Noddy.Dame P. What say you, brother?Kas. Ass, my suster,Go kuss him, as the cunning man would have you;I'll thrust a pin in your buttocks else.
¶Face. O no, sir.
¶Sur. Senora mia, mi persona muy indigna esta allegar a tanta hermosura™
¶Kas. Where does he carry her?Face. Into the garden, sir;Take you no thought: I must interpret for her.Sub. Give Dol the word. [Aside to FACE who goes out.]—Come, my fierce child, advance,We'll to our quarrelling lesson again.Kas. Agreed.I love a Spanish boy with all my heart.Sub. Nay, and by this means, sir, you shall be brotherTo a great count.Kas. Ay, I knew that at first,This match will advance the house of the Kastrils.Sub. 'Pray God your sister prove but pliant!Kas. Why,Her name is so, by her other husband.Sub. HowlKas. The Widow Pliant. Knew you not that?Sub. No, faith, sir;Yet, by erection of her figure, 181 guess'd it.Come, let's go practise.Kas. Yes, but do you think, doctor,I e'er shall quarrel well?Sub. I warrant you. [Exeunt.]
¶SCENE V . [Another room in the same]Enter DOL [in her fit of raving, followed by] MAMMONDol. For after Alexander's death 1
¶Mam. Good lady
¶Dol. That Perdiccas and Antigonus were slain,The two that stood, Seleuc' and Ptolomy[630]Mam. MadamDol. Make up the two legs, and the fourth beast,That was Gog-north and Egypt-south: which afterWas call'd Gog-iron-leg and South-iron-legMam. LadyDol. And then Gog-horned. So was Egypt, too:Then Egypt-clay-leg, and Gog-clay-legMam. Sweet madam -Do/. And last Gog-dust, and Egypt-dust, which fallIn the last link °f t n e f ourth chain. And theseBe stars in story, which none see, or look at——Mam. What shall I do?Dol. For, as he says, exceptWe call the rabbins, and the heathen GreeksMam. Dear ladyDol. To come from Salem, and from Athens,And teach the people of Great Britain
p. 630¶[Enter FACE hastily, in his servants dress]Face. What's the matter, sir?Dol. To spea\ the tongue of Eber and JavanMam. O,She's in her fit.Dol. We shall know nothingFace. Death, sir,We are undone!Dol. Where then a learned linguistShall see the ancient us'd communionOf vowels and consonants
Face. My master will hear!
¶Dol. A wisdom, which Pythagoras held most high -Mam. Sweet honourable lady!Dol. To compriseAll sounds of voices, in few marks of letters.Face. Nay, you must never hope to lay her now.They all speak together.[631]Dol. And so we may arrive by Talmud skjll, 2And profane Gree\, to raise the building upOf Helen's house against the Ismaelite,King of Thogarma, and his habergionsBrimstony, blue, and fiery; and the forceOf king Abaddon, and the beast of Cittim;Which rabbi David Kimchi, Onkelos,And Aben Ezra do interpret Rome.
¶Face. How did you put her into't ?Mam. Alas, I talkedOf a fifth monarchy I would erectWith the philosopher's stone, by chance, and sheFalls on the other four straight.Face. Out of Broughton!I told you so. 'Slid, stop her mouth.Mam. Is't best?Face. She'll never leave else. If the old man hear her,We are but faeces, ashes.Sub. [within.] What's to do there?Face. O, we are lost! Now she hears him, she is quiet.
¶[Enter SUBTLE;] they run different ways
¶Mam. Where shall I hide me!Sub. How! what sight is here?Close 3 deeds of darkness, and that shun the light!Bring him again. Who is he? What, my son!O, I have liv'd too long.Mam. Nay, good, dear father,There was no unchaste purpose.Sub. Not? and flee meWhen I come in ?Mam. That was my error.Sub. Error?Guilt, guilt, my son; give it the right name. No marvel[632]If I found check in our great work within,When such affairs as these were managing!Mam. Why, have you so?Sub. It has stood still this half hour:And all the rest of our less works gone back.Where is the instrument of wickedness,My lewd false drudge?Mam. Nay, good sir, blame not him;Believe me, 'twas against his will or knowledge:I saw her by chance.Sub. Will you commit more sin,To excuse a varlet?Mam. By my hope, 'tis true, sir.Sub. Nay, then I wonder less, if you, for whomThe blessing was prepar'd, would so tempt heaven,And lose your fortunes.Mam. Why, sir?Sub. This will retardThe work a month at least.Mam. Why, if it do,What remedy? But think it not, good father:Our purposes were honest.*Sub. As they were,So the reward will prove. A great crack and noise within.—How now! ay me!God and all saints be good to us.
¶What's that?Face. O, sir, we are defeated! all the worksAre flown in fumof every glass is burst;Furnace and all rent down, as if a boltOf thunder had been driven through the house.Retorts, receivers, pelicans, 6 bolt-heads, 7All struck in shivers! SUBTLE falls down as in a swoon.Help, good sir! alas,[633]Coldness and death invades him. Nay, Sir Mammon,Do the fair offices of a man! You stand,As you were readier to depart than he. One \noc\s.Who's there? My lord her brother is come.Mam. Ha, Lungs!Face. His coach is at the door. Avoid his sight,For he's as furious as his sister's mad.Mam. Alas!
p. 633¶Face. My brain is quite undone with the fume, sir,
¶I ne'er must hope to be mine own man again.Mam. Is all lost, Lungs ? Will nothing be preserv'dOf all our cost?Face. Faith, very little, sir;A peck of coals or so, which is cold comfort, sir.Mam. O, my voluptuous mind! I am justly punish'd.
¶Face. And so am I, sir.
¶Mam. Cast from all my hopesFace. Nay, certainties, sir.Mam. By mine own base affections.Sub. seeming to come to himself. O, the curst fruits of vice andlust!Mam. Good father,It was my sin. Forgive it.Sub. Hangs my roofOver us still, and will not fall, O justice,Upon us, for this wicked man!Face. Nay, look, sir,You grieve him now with staying in his sight.Good sir, the nobleman will come too, and take you,And that may breed a tragedy.Mam. I'll go.Face. Ay, and repent at home, sir. It may be,For some good penance you may ha' it yet;A hundred pound to the box at Bethlem1Mam. Yes.Face. For the restoring such as—ha' their wits.[634]Mam. I'll do't.Face. I'll send one to you to receive it.Mam. Do.Is no projection left?Face. All flown, or stinks, sir.Mam. Will nought be sav'd that's good for med'cine, think'st thou ?Face. I cannot tell, sir. There will be perhapsSomething about the scraping of the shards,Will cure the itch, though not your itch of mind, sir. [Aside.]It shall be saved for you, and sent home. Good sir,This way for fear the lord should meet you. [Exit MAMMON.]
¶Sub. Is he gone?Face. Yes, and as heavilyAs all the gold he hop'd for were in's blood.Let us be light though.Sub. [leaping up.] Ay, as balls, and boundAnd hit our heads against the roof for joy:There's so much of our care now cast away.
¶Face. Now to our don.
¶Sub. Yes, your young widow by this timeIs made a countess, Face; she's been in travailOf a young heir for you.Face. Good, sir.Sub. Off with your case,1And greet her kindly, as a bridegroom should,After these common hazards.Face. Very well, sir.Will you go fetch Don Diego off the while ?Sub. And fetch him over too, if you'll be pleas'd, sir.Would Dol were in her place, to pick his pockets now!Face. Why, you can do't as well, if you would set to't.I pray you prove your virtue. 10Sub. For your sake, sir. [Exeunt.][635]SCENE VI. [Another room in the same][Enter] SURLY and Dame PLIANT
p. 635¶Sur. Lady, you see into what hands you are fall'n;'Mongst what a nest of villains! and how nearYour honour was t'have catch'd a certain clap,Through your credulity, had I but beenSo punctually forward, as place, time,And other circumstances would ha' made a man;For you're a handsome woman: would you were wise too!I am a gentleman come here disguis'd,Only to find the knaveries of this citadel;And where I might have wrong'd your honour, and have not,I claim some interest in your love. You are,They say, a widow, rich; and I'm a bachelor,Worth nought: your fortunes may make me a man,As mine ha' preserv'd you a woman. Think upon it,And whether I have deserv'd you or no.Dame P. I will, sir.Sur. And for these household-rogues, let me aloneTo treat with them.
¶[Enter SUBTLE]
¶Sub. How doth my noble Diego,And my dear madam countess ? Hath the countBeen courteous, lady ? liberal and open ?Donzel, 1 methinks you look melancholic,I do not like the dulness of your eye;It hath a heavy cast, 'tis upsee Dutch, 2And says you are lumpish.Be lighter, and I will make your pockets so.
¶He falls to pickjng of them.
¶Sur. [Throws open his cloa\.] Will you, don bawd and pick-purse? [Strides him down.] How now! Reel you?Stand up, sir, you shall find, since I am so heavy,I'll give you equal weight.Sub. Help! murder![636]Sur. No, sir,There's no such thing intended. A good cart 3And a clean whip shall ease you of that fear.
p. 636¶I am the Spanish don that should be cozened,
¶[Enter FACE in his uniform]
¶Face. How, Surly!Sur. O, make your approach, good captain.I have found from whence your copper rings and spoonsCome now, wherewith you cheat abroad in taverns.'Twas here you learn'd t'anoint your boot with brimstone,Then rub men's gold on't for a kind of touch,And say 'twas naught, when you had changed the colour,That you might ha't for nothing. And this doctor,Your sooty, smoky-bearded compeer, heWill close you so much gold, in a bolt's-head,And, on a turn, convey i' the stead anotherWith sublim'd mercury, that shall burst in the heat,And fly out all in fumol Then weeps Mammon;Then swoons his worship. [FACE slips out.] Or, he is the Faustus,That casteth figures 5 and can conjure, curesPlagues, piles, and pox, by the ephemerides, 6And holds intelligence with all the bawdsAnd midwives of three shires: while you send inCaptain!—what! is he gone?—damsels with child,Wives that are barren, or the waiting-maidWith the green sickness. [Seizes SUBTLE as he is retiring.]—Nay, sir, you must tarry,Though he be scap'd; and answer by the ears, sir.[637]SCENE VII. [The samel[Re-enter] FACE with KASTRIL [to] SURLY and SUBTLE
p. 637¶Face. Why, now's the time, if ever you will quarrelWell, as they say, and be a true jborn child:The doctor and your sister both are abus'd. 1Kas. Where is he? Which is he? He is a slave,Whate'er he is, and the son of a whore.—Are youThe man, sir, I would know?Sur. I should be loth, sir,To confess so much.Kas. Then you lie i' your throat.Sur. How!Face. [To KASTRIL.] A very arrant rogue, sir, and a cheater,Employ'd here by another conjurerThat does not love the doctor, and would cross himIf he knew how.Sur. Sir, you are abus'd.Kas. You lie:And 'tis no matter.Face. Well said, sir! He isThe impudent'st rascalSur. You are indeed. Will you hear me, sir?Face. By no means: bid him be gone.Kas. Begone, sir, quickly.Sur. This is strange!—Lady, do you inform your brother.Face. There is not such a foist 2 in all the town.The doctor had him presently; and finds yetThe Spanish count will come here.—Bear up, Subtle. [Aside.Sub. Yes, sir, he must appear within this hour.Face. And yet this rogue would come in a disguise,By the temptation of another spirit,To trouble our art, though he could not hurt it!Kas. Ay,I know—Away, [to his sister.] you talk like a foolish mauther. 3[638]Sur. Sir, all is truth she says.Face. Do not believe him, sir.He is the lying'st swabber! Come your ways, sir.Sur. You are valiant out of company!Kas. Yes, how then, sir?
¶Face. Nay, here's an honest fellow too that knows him,And all his tricks. Make good what I say, Abel,This cheater would ha' cozen'd thee o' the widow.—
¶[Aside to DRUG.]
¶He owes this honest Drugger here seven pound,He has had on him in twopenny'orths of tobacco.Drug. Yes, sir. And he has damn'd himself three terms to pay me.Face. And what does he owe for lotium ? 4Drug. Thirty shillings, sir;And for six syringes.Sur. Hydra of villainy!Face. Nay, sir, you must quarrel him out o' the house.Kas. I will:—Sir, if you get not out o' doors, you lie;And you are a pimp.Sur. Why, this is madness, sir,Not valour in you; I must laugh at this.Kas. It is my humour; you are a pimp and a trig. 5
¶And an Amadis de Gaul, or a Don Quixote.
¶Drug. Or a knight o' the curious coxcomb, do you see?
¶[Enter ANANIAS]
¶Ana. Peace to the household!Kas. I'll keep peace for no man.Ana. Casting of dollars is concluded lawful.Kas. Is he the constable?Sub. Peace, Ananias.
¶Face. No, sir.
p. 639¶Kas. Then you are an otter, and a shad, a whit,A very tim.1Sur. You'll hear me, sir?Kas. I will not.Ana. What is the motive?Sub. Zeal in the young gentleman,Against his Spanish slops.Ana. They are profane,Lewd, superstitious, and idolatrous breeches.Sur. New rascals!Kas. Will you be gone, sir?Ana. Avoid, Sathan!Thou art not of the light! That ruff of prideAbout thy neck, betrays thee; and is the sameWith that which the unclean birds, in seventy-seven,2Were seen to prank it with on divers coasts:Thou look'st like antichrist, in that lewd hat.Sur. I must give way.Kas. Be gone, sir.Sur. But I'll takeA course with youAna. Depart, proud Spanish fiend!Sur. Captain and doctor.Ana. Child of perdition!Kas. Hence, sir!— [Exit SURLY.]Did I not quarrel bravely ?Face. Yes, indeed, sir.Kas. Nay, an I give my mind to't, I shall do't.Face. O, you must follow, sir, and threaten him tame:He'll turn again else.Kas. I'll re-turn him then. [Exi/.]Face. Drugger, this rogue prevented us, for 'thee:We had determin'd that thou should'st ha' comeIn a Spanish suit, and ha' carried her so; and he,A brokerly slave, goes, puts it on himself.
p. 640¶Hast brought the damask ?
¶Drug. Yes, sir.
¶Face. Thou must borrowA Spanish suit. Hast thou no credit with the players?Drug. Yes, sir; did you never see me play the Fool?Face. I know not, Nab:—thou shalt, if I can help it.— [Aside.]Hieronimo's1 old cloak, ruff, and hat will serve;I'll tell thee more when thou bring'st 'em.
¶[Exit DRUGGER.] SUBTLE hath whisper'd with
¶ANAN. this while.
¶Ana. Sir, I know.The Spaniard hates the brethren, and hath spiesUpon their actions: and that this was oneI make no scruple.—But the holy synodHave been in prayer and meditation for it;And 'tis reveal'd no less to them than me,That casting of money is most lawful.Sub. True.But here I cannot do it: if the houseShould chance to be suspected, all would out,And we be lock'd up in the Tower for ever,To make gold there for th' state, never come out;And then are you defeated.Ana. I will tellThis to the elders and the weaker brethren,That the whole company of the separationMay join in humble prayer again.Sub. And fasting.Ana. Yea, for some fitter place. The peace of mindRest with these walls! [Exit.]Sub. Thanks, courteous Ananias.Face. What did he come for?Sub. About casting dollars,Presently out of hand. And so I told him,A Spanish minister came here to spy,Against the faithful[641]Face. I conceive. Come, Subtle,Thou art so down upon the least disaster!How wouldst thou ha' done, if I had not help'd thee out?Sub. I thank thee, Face, for the angry boy, i' faith.Face. Who would ha' look'd1 it should ha' been that rascal Surly ?He had dy'd his beard and all. Well, sir.Here's damask come to make you a suit.Sub. Where's Drugger?Face. He is gone to borrow me a Spanish habit;I'll be the count now.Sub. But where's the widow?Face. Within, with my lord's sister; Madam DolIs entertaining her.Sub. By your favour, Face,Now she is honest, I will stand again.Face. You will not offer it?Sub. Why?Face. Stand to your word,Or—here comes Dol. She knowsSub. You're tyrannous still.
p. 641¶[Enter DOL hastily]Face.—Strict for my right.—How now, Dol! Hast told her,The Spanish count will come?Dol. Yes; but another is come,You little looked for!Face. Who's that?Dol. Your master;The master of the house.Sub. How, Dol!Face. She lies,This is some trick. Come, leave your quiblins, 10 Dorothy.
¶Dol. Look out and see. [FACE goes to the window.]
¶Sub. Art thou in earnest?Dol. 'Slight,Forty o' the neighbours are about him, talking.[642]Face. 'Tis he, by this good day.Dol. 'Twill prove ill dayFor some on us.Face. We are undone, and taken.Dol. Lost, I'm afraid.Sub. You said he would not come,While there died one a week within the liberties. 11Face. No: 'twas within the walls.Sub. Was't so! cry you mercy.I thought the liberties. What shall we do now, Face?Face. Be silent: not a word, if he call or knock.I'll into mine old shape again and meet him,Of Jeremy, the butler. F the meantime,Do you two pack up all the goods and purchase 12That we can carry i' the two trunks. I'll keep himOff for to-day, if I cannot longer: and thenAt night, I'll ship you both away to Ratcliff,Where we will meet to-morrow, and there we'll share.Let Mammon's brass and pewter keep the cellar;We'll have another time for that. But, Dol,Prithee go heat a little water quickly;Subtle must shave me. All my captain's beardMust off, to make me appear smooth Jeremy.You'll do it?Sub. Yes, I'll shave you as well as I can.Face. And not cut my throat, but trim me ?Sub. You shall see, sir. [Exeunt.]
Act V
¶Love. Has there been such resort, say you ?1 Net. Daily, sir.2 Nei. And nightly, too.1 Net. Daily, sir.2 Nei. And nightly, too.[643]3 Nei. Ay, some as brave as lords.^Nei. Ladies and gentlewomen.5 Nei. Citizens' wives.1 Nei. And knights.6 Nei. In coaches.2 Nei. Yes, and oyster-women.1 Nei. Beside other gallants.^Nei. Sailors' wives.4 Nei. Tobacco men.5 Nei. Another Pimlico! 1Love. What should my knave advance,To draw this company ? He hung out no bannersOf a strange calf with five legs to be seen,Or a huge lobster with six claws?6 Nei. No, sir.3 Nei. We had gone in then, sir.Love. He has no giftOf teaching i' the nose 2 that e'er I knew of.You saw no bills set up that promis'd cureOf agues, or the tooth-ache?2 Nei. No such thing, sir!Love. Nor heard a drum struck for baboons or puppets?5 Nei. Neither, sir.Love. What device should he bring forth now?I love a teeming wit as I love my nourishment:'Pray God he have not kept such open house,That he had sold my hangings, and my bedding!I left him nothing else. If he have eat 'em,A plague o' the moth, say I! Sure he has gotSome bawdy pictures to call all this ging; 3The Friar and the Nun; or the new motion 4Of the knight's courser and the parson's mare;Or't may be, he has the fleas that run at tiltUpon a table, or some dog to dance.When saw you him ?
p. 643¶' A summer resort, where the citizens had cakes and ale.[644]1 Nei. Who, sir, Jeremy ?2 Net. Jeremy butler?We saw him not this month.
¶qNei. Not these five weeks, sir.6 Nei. These six weeks at the least.Love. You amaze me, neighbours!5 Nei. Sure, if your worship know not where he is,He's slipt away.6 Nei. Pray God he be not made away.Love. Ha! it's no time to question, then. Knocks at the door.6 Nei. AboutSome three weeks since I heard a doleful cry,As I sat up a mending my wife's stockings.Love. 'Tis strange that none will answer! Did'st thou hearA cry, sayst thou?6 Nei. Yes, sir, like unto a manThat had been strangled an hour, and could not speak.2 Nei. I heard it too, just this day three weeks, at two o'clockNext morning.Love. These be miracles, or you make 'em so!A man an hour strangled, and could not speak,And both you heard him cry?3 Nei. Yes, downward, sir.Love. Thou art a wise fellow. Give me thy hand, I pray thee.What trade art thou on?[645][Enter FACE in his butler's livery]
p. 645¶Face. What mean you, sir?1,2,4 Nei. O, here's Jeremy!Face. Good sir, come from the door.Love. Why, what's the matter?Face. Yet farther, you are too near yet.Love. In the name of wonder,What means the fellow!Face. The house, sir, has been visited.Love. What, with the plague ? Stand thou then farther.
¶Face. No, sir,
¶I had it not.Love. Who had it then? I leftNone else but thee i' the house.Face. Yes, sir, my fellow,The cat that kept the buttery, had it on herA week before I spied it; but I got herConvey'd away i' the night: and so I shutThe house up for a month
¶Love. How!
¶Face. Purposing then, sir,To have burnt rose-vinegar, treacle, and tar,And have made it sweet, that you should ne'er ha' known it;Because I knew the news would but afflict you, sir.Love. Breathe less, and farther off! Why this is stranger:The neighbours tell me all here that the doorsHave still been open
¶Face. How, sir!
¶Love. Gallants, men and women,And of all sorts, tag-rag, been seen to flock hereIn threaves, 1 these ten weeks, as to a second Hogsden,In days of Pimlico and Eye-bright. 2
¶Face. Sir,
¶Their wisdoms will not say so.
¶'Literally, two dozen sheaves; droves. 2 A suburban tavern, eclipsed as a resort by Pimlico.
p. 646¶Love. To-day they speakOf coaches and gallants; one in a French hoodWent in, they tell me; and another was seenIn a velvet gown at the window: divers morePass in and out.Face. They did pass through the doors then,Or walls, I assure their eye-sights, and their spectacles;For here, sir, are the keys, and here have been,In this my pocket, now above twenty days!And for before, I kept the fort alone there.But that 'tis yet not deep i' the afternoon,I should believe my neighbours had seen doubleThrough the black pot, 3 and made these apparitions!For, on my faith to your worship, for these three weeksAnd upwards, the door has not been open'd.Love. Strange!1 Nei. Good faith, I think I saw a coach.2 Nei. And I too,I'd ha' been sworn.Love. Do you but think it now?And but one coach ?4 Nei. We cannot tell, sir: JeremyIs a very honest fellow.
¶Face. Did you see me at all ?
¶1 Nei. No; that we are sure on.2 Nei. I'll be sworn o' that.Love. Fine rogues to have your testimonies built on!
¶[Re-enter third Neighbour, with his tools]
¶3 Nei. Is Jeremy come!1 Nei. O yes; you may leave your tools;We were deceiv'd, he says.2 Nei. He has had the keys;And the door has been shut these three weeks.3 Nei. Like enough.Love. Peace, and get hence, you changelings.[647][Enter SURLY and MAMMON]
p. 647¶Face. [Aside.] Surly cornelAnd Mammon made acquainted! They'll tell all.How shall I beat them off? What shall I do?Nothing's more wretched than a guilty conscience.
¶SCENE III. [The same]
SURLY, MAMMON, LOVEWIT, FACE, Neighbours
¶Sur. No, sir, he was a great physician. This,It was no bawdy-house, but a mere chancel!You knew the lord and his sister.Mam. Nay, good Surly.Sur. The happy word, BE RICHMam. Play not the tyrant.—Sur. Should be to-day pronounc'd to all your friends.And where be your andirons now ? And your brass pots,That should have been golden flagons, and great wedges?Mam. Let me but breathe. What, they have shut their doors,Methinks! He and SURLY kjioc\.Sur. Ay, now 'tis holiday with them.Mam. Rogues,Cozeners, impostors, bawds!Face. What mean you, sir?Mam. To enter if we can.Face. Another man s house!Here is the owner, sir; turn you to him,And speak your business.Mam. Are you, sir, the owner?
¶hove. Yes, sir.
¶Mam. And are those knaves within your cheaters!hove. What knaves, what cheaters?Mam. Subtle and his Lungs.Face. The gentleman is distracted, sir! No lungsNor lights ha' been seen here these three weeks, sir,Within these doors, upon my word.[648]Sur. Your word,Groom arrogant!Face. Yes, sir, I am the housekeeper,And know the keys have not been out o' my hands.Sur. This is a new Face.Face. You do mistake the house, sir:What sign was't at?Sur. You rascal! This is oneOf the confederacy. Come, let's get officers,And force the door.Love. Pray you stay, gentlemen.Sur. No, sir, we'll come with warrant.Mam. Ay, and thenWe shall ha' your doors open. [Exeunt MAM. and SUR.JLove. What means this?Face. I cannot tell, sir.1 Nei. These are two o' the gallantsThat we do think we saw.Face. Two o' the fools!You talk as idly as they. Good faith, sir,I think the moon has craz'd 'em all.—[Aside.] O me,
¶[Enter KASTRIL]
¶The angry boy come too! He'll make a noise,And ne'er away till he have betray'd us all.Kas. (knocking.) What rogues, bawds, slaves, you'll open the door,anon!Punk, cockatrice, my suster! By this lightI'll fetch the marshal to you.Face. Who would you speak with, sir?Kas. The bawdy doctor, and the cozening captain,And puss my suster.Love. This is something, sure.Face. Upon my trust, the doors were never open, sir.Kas. I have heard all their tricks told me twice over,By the fat knight and the lean gentleman.Love. Here comes another.
[Enter ANANIAS and TRIBULATION]
¶Face. Ananias too!And his pastor!Tri. (beating at the door.) The doors are shut against us.Ana. Come forth, you seed of sulphur, sons of fire!Your stench it is broke forth; abominationIs in the house.Kas. Ay, my suster's there.Ana. The place,It is become a cage of unclean birds.Kas. Yes, I will fetch the scavenger, and the constable.Tri. You shall do well.Ana. We'll join to weed them out.Kas. You will not come then, punk devise, 1 my suster!Ana. Call her not sister; she's a harlot verily.Kas. I'll raise the street.Love. Good gentlemen, a word.Ana. Satan avoid, and hinder not our zeal!
¶[Exeunt ANA., TRIB., and KAST.]
¶Love. The world's turned Bethlem.Face. These are all broke loose,Out of St. Katherine's, where they use to keepThe better sort of mad-folks.1 Nei. All these personsWe saw go in and out here.2 Nei. Yes, indeed, sir.3 Nei. Tnese were the parties.Face. Peace, you drunkards! Sir,I wonder at it. Please you to give me leaveTo touch the door; I'll try an the lock be chang'd.Love. It mazes me!Face. [Goes to the door.] Good faith, sir, I believeThere's no such thing: 'tis all deceptio visus. 2—[Aside.] Would I could get him away.Dap. [Within.] Master captain! Master doctor!
¶Face. [Aside.] Our clerk within, that I forgot!—I know not, sir. Dap. [Within.] For God's sake, when will her grace be at leisure?
¶Face. Ha!
¶Illusions, some spirit o' the air!—[Aside.] His gag is melted,And now he sets out the throat.Dap. [Within.] I am almost stifledFace. [Aside.] Would you were together.Love. 'Tis in the house.'Ha! list.Face. Believe it, sir, i' the air.Love. Peace, you.Dap. [Within.] Mine aunt's grace does not use me well.Sub. [Within.] You fool,Peace, you'll mar all.
¶Face. [Speaks through the keyhole, while LOVEWIT advances to the
¶door unobserved.] Or you will else, you rogue.Love. O, is it so? Then you converse with spirits!—Come, sir. No more of your tricks, good Jeremy.The truth, the shortest way.Face. Dismiss this rabble, sir.—[Aside.] What shall I do? I am catch'd.Love. Good neighbours,I thank you all. You may depart. [Exeunt Neighbours.]—Come, sir,You know that I am an indulgent master;And therefore conceal nothing. What's your medicine,To draw so many several sorts of wild fowl ?Face. Sir, you were wont to affect mirth and wit—But here's no place to talk on't i' the street.Give me but leave to make the best of my fortune,And only pardon me th' abuse of your house:It's all I beg. I'll help you to a widow,In recompense, that you shall give me thanks for,Will make you seven years younger, and a rich one.'Tis but your putting on a Spanish cloak:I have her within. You need not fear the house;It was not visited.[651]Love. But by me, who cameSooner than you expected.Face. It is true, sir.'Pray you forgive me.Love. Well: let's see your widow. [Exeunt.]
¶SCENE IV. [A room in the same]
¶[Enter] SUBTLE, [leading in] DAPPER, [with his eyes bound as before]Sub. How! you have eaten your gag?Dap. Yes, faith, it crumbledAway in my mouth.Sub. You ha' spoil'd all then.Dap. No!I hope my aunt of Fairy will forgive me.Sub. Your aunt's a gracious lady; but in trothYou were to blame.Dap. The fume did overcome me,And I did do't to stay my stomach. 'Pray youSo satisfy her grace.
¶[Enter FACE in his uniform]Here comes the captain.Face. How now! Is his mouth down?Sub. Ay, he has spoken!Face. A pox, I heard him, and you too. He's undone then.—[Aside to SUBTLE.] I have been fain to say, the house is hauntedWith spirits, to keep churl back.Sub. And hast thou done it ?Face. Sure, for this night.Sub. Why, then triumph and singOf Face so famous, the precious kingOf present wits.Face. Did you not hear the coilAbout the door?Sub. Yes, and I dwindled1 with it,[652]Face. Show him his aunt, and let him be dispatch'd:I'll send her to you. [Exit FACE.]Sub. Well, sir, your aunt her graceWill give you audience presently, on my suit,And the captain's word that you did not eat your gagIn any contempt of her highness. [Unbinds his eyes.]Dap. Not I, in troth, sir.
p. 652¶[Enter] DOL like the Queen of FairySub. Here she is come. Down o' your knees and wriggle:She has a stately presence. [DAPPER kneels and shuffles towards her.]Good! Yet nearer,And bid, God save you!Dap. Madam!Sub. And your aunt.Dap. And my most gracious aunt, God save your grace.Dol. Nephew, we thought to have been angry with you;But that sweet face of yours hath turn'd the tide,And made it flow with joy, that ebb'd of love.Arise, and touch our velvet gown.Sub. The skirts,And kiss 'em. So!Dol. Let me now stroke that head.Much, nephew, shalt thou win, much shalt thou spend;Much shalt thou give away, much shalt thou lend.Sub. [Aside.] Ay, much! indeed.—Why do you not thank hergrace ?Dap. I cannot speak for joy.Sub. See, the kind wretch!Your grace's kinsman right.Dol. Give me the bird.Here is your fly in a purse, about your neck, cousin;Wear it, and feed it about this day sev'n-night,On your right wristSub. Open a vein with a pin,And let it suck but once a week; till then,You must not look on't.[653]Dol. No: and, kinsman,Bear yourself worthy of the blood you come on.Sub. Her grace would ha' you eat no more Woolsack' pies,Nor Dagger 2 frumety. 3Dol. Nor break his fastIn Heaven 2 and Hell. 2Sub. She's with you everywhere!Nor play with costermongers, at mumchance, 4 traytrip, 4God-make-you-rich 4 (when as your aunt has done it); but keepThe gallant'st company, and the best gamesDap. Yes, sir.Sub. Gleek 4 and primero; 4 and what you get, be true to us.Dap. By this hand, I will.Sub. You may bring's a thousand poundBefore to-morrow night, if but three thousandBe stirring, an you will.Dap. I swear I will then.Sub. Your fly will learn you all games.Face. [Within.] Ha'you done there?Sub. Your grace will command him no more duties?Dol. No:But come, and see me often. I may chanceTo leave him three or four hundred chests of treasure,And some twelve thousand acres of fairy land,If he game well and comely with good gamesters.Sub. There's a kind aunt: kiss her departing part.—But you must sell your forty mark a year now.Dap. Ay, sir, I mean.Sub. Or, give't away; pox on't!Dap. I'll give't mine aunt. I'll go and fetch the writings. [Ex*/.]Sub. 'Tis well; away.
¶[Re-enter FACE]Face. Where's Subtle ?Sub. Here: what news?Face. Drugger is at the door, go take his suit,[654]And bid him fetch a parson presently.Say he shall marry the widow. Thou shalt spendA hundred pound by the service! [Exit SUBTLE.] NOW, Queen Dol,Have you pack'd up all ?Dol. Yes.Face. And how do you likeThe Lady Pliant?Dol. A good dull innocent.
p. 654¶[Re-enter SUBTLE]Sub. Here's your Hieronimo's cloak and hat.Face. Give me 'em.Sub. And the ruff too?Face. Yes; I'll come to you presently. [Exit.]Sub. Now he is gone about his project, Dol,I told you of, for the widow.Dol. 'Tis directAgainst our articles.Sub. Well, we will fit him, wench.Hast thou gull'd her of her jewels or her bracelets?Dol. No; but I will do't.Sub. Soon at night, my Dolly,When we are shipp'd, and all our goods aboard,Eastward for Ratcliff, we will turn our courseTo Brainford, westward, if thou sayst the word,And take our leaves of this o'erweening rascal,This peremptory Face.Dol. Content; I'm weary of him.Sub. Thou'st cause, when the slave will run a wiving, DoLAgainst the instrument that was drawn between us.Dol. I'll pluck his bird as bare as I can.Sub. Yes, tell herShe must by any means address some presentTo the cunning man, make him amends for wrongingHis art with her suspicion; send a ring,Or chain of pearl; she will be tortur'd else[655]Extremely in her sleep, say, and have strange thingsCome to her. Wilt thou?Dol. Yes.Sub. My fine Hitter-mouse, 5My bird o' the night! We'll tickle it at the Pigeons, 6When we have all, and may unlock the trunks,And say, this's mine, and thine; and thine, and mine. They kjss.
¶Re-enter FACEFace. What now! a billing?Sub. Yes, a little exaltedIn the good passage of our stock-affairs.Face. Drugger has brought his parson; take him in, Subtle,And send Nab back again to wash his face.Sub. I will: and shave himself? [Exit.]Face. If you can get him.Dol. You are hot upon it, Face, whate'er it is!Face. A trick that Dol shall spend ten pound a month by.
¶[Re-enter SUBTLE]Is he gone?Sub. The chaplain waits you in the hall, sir.Face. I'll go bestow him. [Exit.]Dol. He'll now marry her instantly.Sub. He cannot yet, he is not ready. Dear Dol,Cozen her of all thou canst. To deceive himIs no deceit, but justice, that would breakSuch an inextricable tie as ours was.Dol. Let me alone to fit him.
¶[Re-enter FACE]Face. Come, my venturers,You ha' pack'd up all? Where be the trunks? Bring forth.Sub. Here.[656]Face. Let us see 'em. Where's the money ?Sub. Here,In this.Face. Mammon's ten pound; eight score before:The brethren's money this. Drugger's and Dapper's.What paper's that?Dol. The jewel of the waiting maid's,That stole it from her lady, to know certainFace. If she should have precedence of her mistress.Dol. Yes.Face. What box is that?Sub. The fish-wives' rings, I think,And th' ale-wives' single money. 7 Is't not, Dol ?Dol. Yes; and the whistle that the sailor's wifeBrought you to know an her husband were with Ward. 8Face. We'll wet it to-morrow; and our silver beakersAnd tavern cups. Where be the French petticoatsAnd girdles and hangers?Sub. Here, i' the trunk,And the bolts of lawn.Face. Is Drugger's damask there,And the tobacco?Sub. Yes.Face. Give me the keys.Dol. Why you the keys?Sub. No matter, Dol; becauseWe shall not open them before he comes.Face. 'Tis true, you shall not open them, indeed;Nor have 'em forth, do you see? Not forth, Dol.Dol. No!Face. No, my smock-rampant. The right is, my masterKnows all, has pardon'd me, and he will keep 'em.Doctor, 'tis true—you look—for all your figures:I sent for him, indeed. Wherefore, good partners,Both he and she be satisfied; for hereDetermines 9 the indenture tripartite[657]'Twixt Subtle, Dol, and Face. All I can doIs to help you over the wall, o' the back-side,Or lend you a sheet to save your velvet gown, Dol.Here will be officers presently, bethink youOf some course suddenly to scape the dock;For thither you will come else. Some knock. Hark you, thunder.Sub. You are a precious fiend!Offi. [without.] Open the door.Face. Dol, I am sorry for thee i' faith; but hear'st thou?It shall go hard but I will place thee somewhere:Thou shalt ha' my letter to Mistress AmoDol. Hang you!Face. Or Madam Cesarean.Dol. Pox upon you, rogue,Would I had but time to beat thee!Face. Subtle,Let's know where you set up next; I will send youA customer now and then, for old acquaintance.What new course have you ?Sub. Rogue, I'll hang myself;That I may walk a greater devil than thou,And haunt thee i' the flock-bed and the buttery. [Exeunt.]
¶{Enter] LOVEWIT [in the Spanish dress, with the Parson.Loud knocking at the door]Love. What do you mean, my masters?Mam. [without.] Open your door,Cheaters, bawds, conjurers.Offi. [without.] Or we will break it open.Love. What warrant have you?Offi. [without.] Warrant enough, sir, doubt not,If you'll not open it.Love. Is there an officer there?Offi. [without.] Yes, two or three for failing.1[658]Love. Have but patience,And I will open it straight.
p. 658¶[Enter FACE, as butler]Face. Sir, ha' you done?Is it a marriage? Perfect?Love. Yes, my brain.Face. Off with your ruff and cloak then; be yourself, sir.Sur. [without.] Down with the door.Kas. [without.] 'Slight, ding 2 it open.Love. [Opening the door.] Hold,Hold, gentlemen, what means this violence?
¶[MAMMON, SURLY, KASTRIL, ANANIAS, TRIBULATION, and Officers
¶rush in.]Mam. Where is this collier?Sur. And my Captain Face?Mam. These day owls.Sur. That are birding 3 in men's purses.Mam. Madam Suppository.Kas. Doxy, my suster.Ana. LocustsOf the foul pit.Tri. Profane as Bel and the Dragon.Ana. Worse than the grasshoppers, or the lice of Egypt.Love. Good gentlemen, hear me. Are you officers,And cannot stay this violence?1 Offi. Keep the peace.Love. Gentlemen, what is the matter? Whom do you seek?Mam. The chemical cozener.Sur. And the captain pander.Kas. The nun my suster.Mam. Madam Rabbi.Ana. Scorpions,And caterpillars.[659]hove. Fewer at once, I pray you.1 Offi. One after another, gentlemen, I charge you,By virtue of my staff.Ana. They are the vesselsOf pride, lust, and the cart.Love. Good zeal, lie stillA little while.Tri. Peace, Deacon Ananias.Love. The house is mine here, and the doors are open;If there be any such persons as you seek for,Use your authority, search on o' God's name.I am but newly come to town, and findingThis tumult 'bout my door, to tell you true,It somewhat maz'd me; till my man here, fearingMy more displeasure, told me he had doneSomewhat an insolent part, let out my house(Belike presuming on my known aversionFrom any air o' the town while there was sickness),To a doctor and a captain: who, what they areOr where they be, he knows not.Mam. Are they gone?Love. You may go in and search, sir. [MAMMON, ANA., and TRIB.go in.] Here, I findThe empty walls worse than I left 'em, smok'd,A few crack'd pots, and glasses, and a furnace;The ceiling fill'd with poesies of the candle,And "Madam with a dildo" * writ o' the walls.Only one gentlewoman I met hereThat is within, that said she was a widowKas. Ay, that's my suster; I'll go thump her. Where is she?[Goes in.]Love. And should ha' married a Spanish count, but he,When he came to't, neglected her so grossly,That I, a widower, am gone through with her.Sur. How! have I lost her then?Love. Were you the don, sir ?[660]Good faith, now she does blame you extremely, and saysYou swore, and told her you had taken the painsTo dye your beard, and umber o'er your face,Borrowed a suit, and ruff, all for her love:And then did nothing. What an oversightAnd want of putting forward, sir, was this!Well fare an old harquebusier 5 yet,Could prime his powder, and give fire, and hit,All in a twinkling!
p. 660¶Re-enter MAMMONMam. The whole nest are fled!Love. What sort of birds were they ?Mam. A kind of choughs, 6Or thievish daws, sir, that have pick'd my purseOf eight score and ten pounds within these five weeks,Beside my first materials; and my goods,That lie i' the cellar, which I am glad they ha' left,I may have home yet.Love. Think you so, sir?Mam. Ay.Love. By order of law, sir, but not otherwise.Mam. Not mine own stuff!Love. Sir, I can take no knowledgeThat they are yours, but by public means.If you can bring certificate that you were gull'd of 'em,Or any formal writ out of a court,That you did cozen yourself, I will not hold them.Mam. I'll rather lose 'em.Love. That you shall not, sir,By me, in troth; upon these terms, they are yours.What, should they ha' been, sir, turn'd into gold, all ?Mam. No.I cannot tell.—It may be they should.—What then?Love. What a great loss in hope have you sustain'd!Mam. Not I, the commonwealth has.[661]Face. Ay, he would ha' builtThe city new; and made a ditch about itOf silver, should have run with cream from Hogsden;That every Sunday in Moorfields the younkers,And tits 7 and tom-boys should have fed on, gratis.Mam. I will go mount a turnip-cart, and preachThe end of the world within these two months. Surly,What! in a dream?Sur. Must I needs cheat myself,With that same foolish vice of honesty!Come, let us go and hearken out the rogues:That Face I'll mark for mine, if e'er I meet him.Face. If I can hear of him, sir, I'll bring you wordUnto your lodging; for in troth, they were strangersTo me; I thought 'em honest as myself, sir.[Exeunt MAM. and SUR.]
¶Tri. 'Tis well, the saints shall not lose all yet. GoAnd get some cartsLove. For what, my zealous friends?Ana. To bear away the portion of the righteousOut of this den of thieves.Love. What is that portion?Ana. The goods sometimes the orphans', that the brethrenBought with their silver pence.Love. What, those i' the cellar,The knight Sir Mammon claims?Ana. I do defyThe wicked Mammon, so do all the brethren,Thou profane man! I ask thee with what conscienceThou canst advance that idol against us,That have the seal? 8 Were not the shillings numb'redThat made the pounds; were not the pounds told outUpon the second day of the fourth week,In the eighth month, upon the table dormant,[662]The year of the last patience of the saints,Six hundred and ten?Love. Mine earnest vehement botcher,And deacon also, I cannot dispute with you:But if you get you not away the sooner,I shall confute you with a cudgel.Ana. Sir!Tri. Be patient, Ananias.Ana. I am strong,And will stand up, well girt, against an hostThat threaten Gad in exile.Love. I shall send youTo Amsterdam, to your cellar.Ana. I will pray there,Against thy house. May dogs defile thy walls,And wasps and hornets breed beneath thy roof,This seat of falsehood, and this cave of coz'nage![Exeunt ANA. and TRIB.
¶Love. Another too?Drug. Not I, sir, I am no brother.Love, {beats him.) Away, you Harry Nicholas!1 do you talk?[Exit DRUG.Face. No, this was Abel Drugger. Good sir, go, To the Parson.And satisfy him; tell him all is done:He staid too long a washing of his face.The doctor, he shall hear of him at Westchester;And of the captain, tell him, at Yarmouth, orSome good port-town else, lying for a wind. [Exit Parson.]If you can get off the angry child now, sir
¶[Enter KASTRIL, dragging in his sister]Kas. Come on, you ewe, you have match'd most sweetly, haveyou not?Did not I say, I would never ha' you tupp'dBut by a dubb'd boy, 10 to make you a lady-tom ?[663]'Slight, you are a mammet!" O, I could touse you now.Death, mun 1 2 you marry with a pox!Love. You lie, boy;As sound as you; and I'm aforehand with you.Kas. Anon!Love. Come, will you quarrel? I will feize 13 you, sirrah;Why do you not buckle to your tools?Kas. Od's light,This is a fine old boy as e'er I saw!Love. What, do you change your copy now? Proceed;Here stands my dove: stoop 14 at her if you dare.Kas. 'Slight, I must love him! I cannot choose, i' faith,An I should be hang'd for't! Suster, I protest,I honour thee for this match.Love. O, do you so, sir?Kas. Yes, an thou canst take tobacco and drink, old boy,I'll give her five hundred pound more to her marriage,Than her own state.Love. Fill a pipe full, Jeremy.Face. Yes; but go in and take it, sir.Love. We will.I will be rul'd by thee in anything, Jeremy.Kas. 'Slight, thou art not hide-bound, thou art a jovy 1 5 boy!Come, let us in, I pray thee, and take our whiffs.Love. Whiff in with your sister, brother boy. [Exeunt KAS.and Dame P.] That masterThat had receiv'd such happiness by a servant,In such a widow, and with so much wealth,Were very ungrateful, if he would not beA little indulgent to that servant's wit,And help his fortune, though with some small strainOf his own candour. 16 [advancing.] Therefore, gentlemen,And kind spectators, if I have outstriptAn old man's gravity, or strict canon, thinkWhat a young wife and a good brain may do;
p. 663¶"Puppet. 1 2Must. 1 3 Beat. 1 4 A term of falconry: used in punning allusion to the name Kastril, which means hawk. 1 5 Jovial. 1 6 Fair reputation.
p. 664¶Stretch age's truth sometimes, and crack it too.Speak for thyself, knave.Face. So I will, sir. [advancing to the front of the stage.]Gentlemen,My part a little fell in this last scene,Yet 'twas decorum. 17 And though I am cleanGot off from Subtle, Surly, Mammon, Dol,Hot Ananias, Dapper, Drugger, allWith whom I traded; yet I put myselfOn you, that are my country: 18 and this pelf,Which I have got, if you do quit me, restsTo feast you often, and invite new guests. [Exeunt.]
¶1 7 Dramatic propriety. 1 8 Jury.